Ogres are like onions

Whether or not you have a child, you've probably seen the movie Shrek. Pictured here with his sidekick "Donkey", Shrek is explaining how Ogres have more depth than people realize. To illustrate his point, he smashes open an onion to show the layers that exist.

I recently used this clip to introduce Social Penetration Theory to my class. According to this theory, we all have layers. We reveal our layers through disclosing information to others. This is what we might call building a relationship. If you have friends, you have revealed several layers of yourself, which is how they know you as well as they do.

But friendships don't happen automatically. A process takes place. According to Em Griffin, "the main route to deep social [intimacy] is through self-disclosure." For example, Jack and Diane initially exchange very shallow information when they first meet, such as their names and the weather. If they continue to see each other and have more conversations, perhaps they will continue revealing things about themselves. One may invite the other to grab lunch. They discover they both really like chili dogs, specifically the ones served at the Tastee Freeze. Over lunch, they may find out they are both two American kids who grew up in the heartland. They might learn of the mutual acquaintences they have. This lunch ends with Jack and Diane wanting to hang out in the future. As spending time together becomes more frequent, deeper information will inevitably be revealed through conversation. The budding friendship is made stronger through deeper understanding of each other's family life, as well as future goals, fears and fantasies, and eventually, how each person truly sees themselves.

As we see in Jack and Diane's situation, we do not typically learn everything about someone all at once. It takes time. Furthermore, it takes effort from both parties. We would likely not see Jack pouring out his soul to an open-earred Diane, while she in turn reveals nothing about herself. As Jack shares information, Diane discloses the same depth of information, revealing the same layer that Jack has. This is what is known as reciprocity, where people share information at the same rate. We have likely all known people who share too much information, too fast. But this is not the norm, and it's certainly not the best way to enter into a mutually growing friendship. If you tell me that you like pizza, and I respond by telling you that I refuse to eat pizza because my little sister choked to death on a pepperoni, I come off as a little awkward. Rather, I would likely just give you the same amount of information that you gave me - whether or not I liked pizza, and maybe the type of pizza I preferred.

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"Relational evangelism" is a term that basically means building a relationship with someone and using your lifestyle to show them who Christ is. This is a popular approach among the postmoderns, of which (I suppose) I am a part. A criticism of relational evangelism is that it's not intentional enough. And though I agree that this could be used as a cop-out to never bring up a conversation about faith, I think sharing Christ through our relationships is the most effective approach.

Viewing evangelism through the lens of social penetration theory, we can see that people typically do not reveal who they truly are in the beginning stages of a relationship. As we share information about ourselves, they are likely to share the same depth of information. When they reveal more through conversations with us, they are inviting us to reveal more about ourselves to them.

The flip-side of this is that it's also very easy to turn people off to hearing more about us or what we have to say. Much like the ridiculous pizza example above, if I share with you that I'm from Little Rock, and you respond with "Well can I tell you about Jesus?", I'm going to take that as an awkward statement. Even if I allow you to proceed on your quest, I'm not going to be as open to your testimony as I would if you told me about Him after you gained credibility through a genuine friendship. Through our relationships, our shallow exterior layers are freely pulled away to reveal who we really are. When we have reached this point, according to a social penetration theorist, we are much more open to hear and reveal such central information as our questions or statements of faith.

As great as this theory is, it's not the Holy Spirit. When he leads us to share Christ, our calling is to be obedient. But I also believe that we were created with the need to trust people. When we earn that trust, however, we also earn that right to share our depth - and people are more likely to share theirs as well. The relationships you form can be an effective way to influence peoples' perception of Christ. If evangelism is important to you, be open to share your beliefs when you reach those intimate levels in your relationships. But also be open to listen and not shut down someone else's beliefs or questions. That's the middle of their onion you are hearing. It's an honor that they would be so open, whether or not we agree with them. If the sole purpose of your friendships is to add new Christians to the world, I applaud your optimism, but I question your methods and tact - and your authenticity as a friend!

Faith is an amazing thing that needs to be communicated effectively and delicately. Our relationships allow us to enter into these important conversations.